The Things We Do Alone
How We Can Pursue Discomfort, Accept Our Mistakes, And Understand The Spotlight Effect
I went to a concert by myself last night.
At first, it felt lonely. Like all eyes were on me. Did I look awkward? Was I staring too much? Quick, get my phone out and look busy scrolling through the same notes page I wrote out earlier. I stood in the queue outside, listening in on everyone’s conversations, and hearing the excitement in their voice. I was speaking with the voice in my head, and my conversation with him wasn’t one of excitement. It was one of nervousness. How can I calm myself down?
In my head, I should go and make friends. But when I expanded my time horizon, I would never have imagined doing anything by myself a few years ago. When in the moment, we can feel like we’re stagnating, not working hard enough, and achieving nothing. Expanding our view of our own lives can allow our perspectives to completely shift as we can see how far we’ve come.
Maybe one day I’ll go to a concert alone and talk to someone. That day wasn’t yesterday, but that’s ok. It’s gone now. I can’t change that. I can however expand my time horizon, and look back at a few principles that supported me as I undertook the pursuit of doing something alone. Principles I hope might aid someone else too.
1) The Spotlight Effect - When I first heard of the spotlight effect, it resonated with me. The effect describes how we always believe we’re being watched more than we actually are. We might say something and beat ourselves up for weeks that we said the wrong thing, or embarrassed ourselves. To the other person in the conversation, this could have been nothing at all. We always think we are in the spotlight. Most people are in their own heads, and even those of a more observant nature have their own lives and their own examples of the spotlight effect. When we’re aware of the spotlight effect, it negates its effects. We can work towards feeling less embarrassed by anything we deem embarrassing because we know nobody is really paying attention to us.
2) We Suffer More In Imagination Than Reality - Before making the trip I was nervous. It was a long drive and I went earlier than I needed to. What would I do while I was there?
Then I arrived and the nerves faded. I grabbed the nicest sandwich I’ve ever had and headed to the nearest watering hole, where I sat for a while, just being.
Seneca’s famous quote is another that remains engrained in my head.
3) The Pursuit of Good Discomfort - With hindsight, we can look back at events that caused us great discomfort beforehand, but we end up gaining a great deal from these experiences. It could be enjoyment, growth, a new lesson, or a new friend. I’m not quite there with that one myself, but by getting out of our comfort zone and being brave, we often feel better afterwards. Don’t let your fears get in your way. Chances are that anybody you interact with when doing something alone you’ll never see again. If you do see them again, the chances of them remembering anything you reflect on as “embarrassing” is incredibly slim. Consider the potential advantages rather than the unlikely disadvantages.
4) Failure Is Good - Even if you go out intending to defeat your fears and you don’t get there this time, that’s ok. Cut yourself some slack. You’ve come so far by even taking the first step to consider attacking your fears. And this thought won’t disappear. It will sit there in the back of your mind, sometimes dormant, sometimes screaming out for attention. When you feel brave enough to attack your fears next time, you’ll have learned from your previous experience. Mistakes in our modern world are frowned upon. Perhaps that’s why so many aspects of society have stagnated. We’re all so scared to fail that we take no risks. Sometimes taking a risk and it leading to a mistake might seem like your efforts haven’t paid off. The experience you gain is the mistake paying off. You’ll take these learnings forward and grow into a better version of yourself.
I woke up the day after my concert feeling proud of myself. And the concert was one of the best I’ve ever been to. I might have even had a dance while I was there, and another this morning.
Even though I didn’t speak to anybody, I was there with people who all shared one thing in common at least, the love of the music of the artist. I’ve found music can be a powerful thing, and we all shared that together.
On second thoughts, perhaps it wasn’t so lonely after all.
I hope you’re well,
Dylan
I was lucky enough to see FKJ last March, which was the first concert I went to by myself. Masego was the concert discussed in this piece. Together they collaborated on this masterpiece.
Love this. I have went to concerts alone before and to be honest they turned out to be some of the best shows I ever been to!!! Fear holds us back way to much, myself included.
The mind is a powerful tool or hurdle, you choose.
Great article. I can relate to just about all of it.
Loved it. Like you described it wuite clearly with the concept of "spotlight effect" and "imagination vs. reality", I fully agree how uncomfortable it is, when we first start to do things that we enjoy doing in public without any company. It's so amazing that you took the courageous leap forward, it's one step closer to zenhood. What's the next thing on your list?