We accept the love we think we deserve. Does this aid in us remaining in damaging relationships longer than we should, or does it empower us to embark on the journey into the potential unknown, alone?
Being alone is hard. The rise of situationships doesn’t surprise me. People are more protective of their time but still deserve and want love. And hence emerges this “no strings attached” kind of love. A convenient kind of love, and usually only for one person who eventually falls for the other, regardless of how often they tell themselves they won’t. They then have to navigate the void of an ending situationship. How can you show pain, or navigate a missing void in your life, when it was never anything in the first place? How can you long for someone who was never yours? How can you suffer sleepless nights for someone who sleeps soundly?
The solution to this, we’re told, is being brave. Let’s share all our feelings, albeit potentially being subjected to ridicule and rejection. Albeit putting our hearts on the line once again with a chance of a potential shattering. Albeit destroying our sense of self at the chance of a hypothetical and unprovable future. Am I brave enough to risk ruin once again?
They say we fall in love three times in our lives. What if we fall in love during one of those times over and over again every time we’re reminded of their existence? How do we deal with the constant reminder that they exist? How do I deal with the constant reminder that you exist? As I lay here alone, wishing you were here, do I even cross your mind once a week? Once a month? Once a year? Who am I to you?
I dive into this, my writing. I interact with my family and friends, whom I love greatly. But in my heart, there’s a hole. Regardless of how hard I distract myself, or what fills my time, I always return to the question, what do I have to do to have you fill the void in my heart? What do I have to do?
The logical side of me knows this is impossible. We can’t control others. But the emotional part of me longs for it more each and every day. To see you again, to hold your hand again. The emotional side is in frequent battle with the logical side. I’m stuck in the middle of the two, understanding the side of the logical self, but casting it aside for the optimistic hope of the emotional self. Blind optimism? Who knows, but I’ll continue here until either side feels brave enough to take the plunge. To tell you how I feel, regardless of risk or reward. To put my heart on the line. If I do, do you feel the same?
We accept the love we think we deserve. It’s a reminder of why some of us might stay with those who don’t deserve us for too long. We’re scared of the unknown. We’re scared to navigate this life alone. For those of us outside of this scenario, if I don’t take action to pursue that what I deserve, do I really deserve it? Do I really deserve you?