Do nice guys always finish last?
The quote is well known, but is it backed by scientific truth? How do different situations affect the adage?
If I find myself in a competitive situation, does a quaint, quiet voice get drowned out in the aggressive crowd? Or in more collaborative environments, could a nice guy be the glue that holds the team together? Can the nice guy be a key piece of networks and a place of trust, or do competitors need a cutthroat attitude?
In romantic relationships, can I nice guy be perceived as less confident, especially in the important early stages? Or can this nice persona be a sign of a promising, healthy relationship if only it’s given the chance? Of course, we have to grasp these opportunities when they arise, but it can be a basis for more meaningful connections with those who are meant for us. Kindness can often be perceived as emotional security and intelligence, making others feel safe and understood. But, being kind and being too nice are different things entirely.
Even in social situations, does the nice guy get drowned out by those more charismatic, louder voices? Or do they build deeper friendships, with greater understanding as a base layer in these layered relationships?
We find ourselves in many different situations in life, each of which we can explore the different characteristics of when exploring concepts such as kindness. In exploring all these situations, one question hovers over them all. How can we balance “kindness” with “assertiveness to gain the positive elements of both?
This is supported by the work of Adam Grant in his book “Give and Take”. People can be categorised into three groups: givers, marchers, and takers. Givers proactively help others, matchers scratch the back of others if theirs is first, and takers are the greedy backstabbers.
In workplace settings, givers increase the size of the pie, matchers want to see givers succeed and takers fail, and takers aren’t positively received. Givers and matchers find themselves aligned in many beliefs, and hence the characteristics of these archetypes are encouraged as successful in the workplace.
The Balance
The balance between kindness and assertiveness ensures we aren’t interpreted as a pushover, or as an immovable, angry brick wall. Here are some characteristics to pursue in balancing kindness and assertiveness:
Define Boundaries
Learn To Say No
Empathise, Sympathise, But Don’t Pity
Be Direct, Not Aggressive
Focus On Solutions, Not Problems
Stay True To Yourself
Keep Note Of Your Emotions
The Perception
There can be a perception by others of kindness being interpreted as weakness. It’s here where the balance is key.
Kindness with boundaries and assertiveness when necessary.
Are you nice because of insecurities? Or are you nice to garner favour? Do you promote kindness because it’s the right thing to do, or to promote social harmony? Do you want to build a positive image of yourself, or does kindness lead to you feeling better about yourself?
There’s why you’re nice internally, and why others think you’re nice externally. The perception. All that matters is how you perceive your kindness. If it’s routed in morality, or your own happiness, you’ll attract those who recognise this. If it’s routed in insecurity, you’ll attract the same.
So, nice guys sometimes finish last, it depends on what their kindness is founded in. Sometimes, nice guys also finish first. Just as everybody else does. We win some, we lose some. Nice guys are just guys. What a relief, right? How we balance our approach is key. Know when to be kind, and know when to be assertive.
Sources:
chatgpt.com
https://www.ala.org/nmrt/news/footnotes/may2013/book-review-give-and-take-revolutionary-approach-success#:~:text=In%20the%20new%20book%20Give,and%20backstabbers%20of%20the%20world.